angels get no maps

Back from the grave...

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 23:44:45 GMT

Hello again! It's been a while... and maybe a lot has changed. Here's a poem I wrote that I think is pretty cool. Read it if you're interested, it's really long, but it's not sad. I know, surprised me too. :)

"Optimistic Accounts of Unfortunate Observations"

to daughters of dead mothers
and their questions
they carry,
incapable of and insisting on
answering themselves,
finding their mothers
more than ghosts,
fixing things,
and believing themselves
when they say, things
have been fixed.

to my closest friend
drunk again
splashed on a couch under the white face of a clock
stuck at 5:30 for now
turning things over and righting them
on a page in a notebook
that won't make any of it simpler.
and she's lived through too much screaming
--- just because she's strong enough
doesn't mean she should be
doesn't make it right---
her shoulders strong enough to hold
worlds for people
who don't deserve her

to backseats of cars
and frontseats
and beds and couches and bathroom floors
for teaching us new ways
to ruin our lives
and call it religion
for taking our picture
and putting it up on the screen
to be replaced
and giving us T-shirts afterward
that say we survived
for giving us permanent
souvenirs

to shoulders and sun
to spring and kissing and music and skin
and blue skies for lying
as well as we do

to nicotine night hours
to open eyes
to things that make a difference

to tall tales and bitten nails
to every phenomenon
and to being young and meaning it
and to not being sure

to every poem that's ever been written
for the decades they've consumed
for their admission of their own hopelessness
and for not letting that interfere
for not being afraid to say out loud
that something matters

to everyone who's ever believed
and been wrong

to the startling fact that every person
who has ever felt alone
really isn't.

and to everyone afraid of turning thirty

and to everyone going to Hell

to anyone who's wasted their life
worried about wasting it
(or writing poems)
to anyone who's learned to lose their minds
in a productive way
and the rest of us
who haven't

to the most prolific poets
bound by what they do
to scribbling spiral notebooks full of
clever turns of phrase
failing to immortalize
whatever decision about the truth
reluctantly revealing
just how lost someone can be

to those of us
who have just learned the word silence
and still don't know how to use it

and to those of us learning the importance of peace
to the individual

to finding peace in knowing
you'll never really learn
and seeing peace itself as a kind of surrender
of things like knowing
needing
and needing to know
lifelong searches
lifelong struggles
lives

to girls like me stumbling onto something
to end the discomfort
running currents through every hour
to finding comfort in anything
at all

to soft voices, hard kisses
to boys with eyes like magicians,
with motives to match
boys behind drum sets and cigarettes
boys making history
and making girls do stupid things
making all the magic they can with hands
that will soon belong to men; and start
building the clocks that struck midnight
on their long season
of clear eyes, mischief, chances, faith
a freshness some men keep
through time, under the dust and weight and regret of age
when some men
are given a choice

to those men
and those women
who were never marked by death
who are still young in an impossible sense
that was always impossible
and always whole

to language, to fear, to the chain-of-events
to screenplays, to mind games, to changing the world
to no boundaries
and no sleep
to Alycia

to giving whatever you can back to the world
that made these things
to surround you
even if it means making every piece of paper
a last-minute poem
a poem, a tribute, a message-in-a-bottle
a chorus, a whisper, a brave and naked shout

to all the lessons you should have learned
to ten-page poems
to needs and to needing and to reasonable doubt
and to sacrifice for knowing better
to rights and wrongs and poetic justice
and to Love for not giving a fuck

to every word ever written and crossed out twice
and to where those words go
to wait

to chemical dependence
to closest friends
(to no relation, to kidding yourself)

to the women who break clocks instead
with words like Wait, Nothing, and Love
and stand beneath them
women who plummet out of paradise
for being hungry
sometimes landing on their faces
before rising to their feet

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 07:37:25 GMT

It's the perfect time of year
Somewhere far away from here
I feel fine enough, I guess
Considering everything's a mess
There's a restaurant down the street
Where hungry people like to eat
I could walk but I'll just drive
It's colder than it looks outside

It's like a dream you try to remember
But it's gone
Then you try to scream
But it only comes out as a yawn
When you try to see the world
Beyond your front door
Take your time, is the way I rhyme gonna make you smile
When you realize that a guy my size might take a while
Just to try to figure out what all this is for

It's the perfect time of day
To throw all your cares away
Put the sprinkler on the lawn
And run through with your gym shorts on
Take a drink right from the hose
And change into some drier clothes
Climb the stairs up to my room
Sleep away the afternoon

Like a dream you try to remember
But it's gone
Then you try to scream
But it only comes out as a yawn
When you try to see the world
Beyond your front door
Take your time is the way I rhyme gonna make you smile
When you realize that a guy my size might take a while
Just to try to figure out what all this is for

Pinch me,
pinch me,
cause I'm still asleep
Please God
tell me
that I'm still asleep

On an evening such as this
It's hard to tell if I exist
If I pack the car and leave this town
Who'll notice that I'm not around?
I could hide out under there
I just made you say "underwear" : )
I could leave but I'll just stay
All my stuff's here anyway

Like a dream you try to remember
But it's gone
Then you try to scream
But it only comes out as a yawn
When you try to see the world
Beyond your front door
Take your time is the way I rhyme gonna make you smile
When you realize that a guy my size might take a while
Just to try to figure out what all this is for

Pinch me
Try to figure out what all this is for
Pinch me
Try to see the world beyond your front door
Pinch me
Try to figure out what all this is for

horoscope for today (!!!)

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 21:23:54 GMT

"You heard a rather interesting rumor recently involving an abrupt change in the status of a coworker's relationship. If this is someone you've wished were single on more than one occasion, sit tight. You know what they say about rebounds."

OH MY GOD!!!!

such great.

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 02:25:53 GMT

itOnlyLooksReal: i so got bitchslapped
itOnlyLooksReal: with a fucking TORTILLA
HapyPancakeFace: ahahahahahahaha
itOnlyLooksReal: it was heck of loud.
HapyPancakeFace: i would have laughed for ever
itOnlyLooksReal: i know, i'm still laughing...

HapyPancakeFace: but im down
HapyPancakeFace: with the brizzown
itOnlyLooksReal: i love black people
HapyPancakeFace: thats why you love me so much
itOnlyLooksReal: hahaha
HapyPancakeFace: ahahahah
itOnlyLooksReal: seriously.

"I'm guessin you can't always win..."

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 02:54:23 GMT

I am wholly ambivalent. And very possibly in Limbo.

In any event, today I had the first appointment at Kaiser in a long while. I've got another one tomorrow, this time I'm guessing for diagnosis. But hey, I get to miss 3rd period. I actually love that class, but any excuse to miss school is good enough for me. I'd really rather it be 2nd period, on account of the test I have, but oh fucking well. Don't know if I intend to study or not. I really don't know how to do any of it.
This is me .... unmotivated.

I don't want to be in love anymore. I wish I could change my mind. It's not that I'm bitter, because I'm being surprisingly honest right now, but I'm just very disappointed in myself. Why do I have to be in love with somebody so mean? He's just very bitter. And rude. And I don't know.

On a much much much happier note, the OC comes on in 8 minutes! Sorry lovers, Adam Brody is calling me...

Fucking right...

<3, <3, <3,
Pixie

Sat, 03 Sep 2005 01:40:29 GMT

angels get no maps
by suheir hammad

i

just some wings heart
and a destiny to find
you mine

i adapted to your
breath while i slept
did you know
i saw heaven in your
smile heard gospel
in your laugh
you my number
seven my east

my hip
the hop
finished each other's
thoughts called each other
at the same time
the right time
our conversation rhymed

i'm trying to write
this as though we ain't
over as though you
comin back
but you never
got a map

busy spreadin
wings let go
my hand

and i have yet to learn how
to say goodbye
to those
i love
so i
write them poems too late
and everyone leaves all over
again
this is for you
angel

iii

and me angel
i'm tryin to write this
in honor of your divinity
but i keep thinkin
bout how lonely
it is to write bout
someone instead of
bein with someone

and i miss your holiness
and all that
but i miss the man
your are and the
man i love

if my love were
enough it would
mend your flight
lighten your load
and remind you
god

seven times i've run
between you and my heart
tryin to help navigate you
love you
enough
alone i write this
for you
and fold my wings
over my heart
fear from hurt
my belly burnin desert

hopin our destiny
is eternity
is shared
is yet
to come

something absolutely, profoundly beautiful

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 04:23:25 GMT

**I'll update en un moment, but for now, I present to you one of my favorite e. e. cummings poems.**

dive for dreams
-e. e. cummings

dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)

trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)

honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at the wedding)

never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for good likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)

Not an actual entry...

Mon, 04 Jul 2005 07:40:21 GMT

Well hello hello. It is very late at night and I am very very sick with a combination of sunstroke, dehydration, and a wicked case of withdrawal. I want to write about my superexcellent weekend but I think I might pass out again. Tomorrow, my love. It was wonderful though! Totally worth getting sick over. Tell you more tomorrow.

<3,
"Wings"

you had time to waste,
and i'm not sorry .
such a basket case,
hide the cutlery.
i had time to kill,
it's dead and buried.
you've got guts to spill,
but no one trustworthy.

Ay carumba...

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 23:00:50 GMT

I need to center myself.... Ooohhhm...
Prepare for a long entry.
Are you ready?
Ok!
Wait... first I need music. That's right, I am afraid of silence. Among other things... let's make a list! ((Noah laughs at me because I love making lists.))
-Dinosaurs
-Bees
-Confrontation
-Diarrhea
-Rape
-Punishment
-Po Po
-Silence ((see above))

Can't think of anything else. I'm trying to take my mind off something. Something is making me very, well I would say angry, but it's not really anger, it's just fucking craziness. Something is making me want to put a fucking gun in my mouth. Ok Breathe, Claire.... Ay carumba. Whoo.. A little Bikini Kill is making it better. I need to stop freaking out.
Here's what I need to do. I need to stop putting myself in situations like this... I need to just not care anymore. Fuck, I was doing so good! At least I didn't technically break the pact. Stay strong!
This is so strange... I've been doing pretty well lately, not getting upset. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't been not on a drug for... shit can't remember. I don't care right now.
Ooh this is a nice song... Blueside from Rooney.
I'm all drained now from screaming. I just need to let go of some things. But right now I feel like dying. I was standing in the kitchen and grabbed a pretty imposing knife and held it up against the side of my throat and breathed and then my brother walked in and I gasped and dropped it into the sink. What the hell is going on with me? I'm actually a little afraid. This is not a call for help, if anyone reads this. This is my wishful thinking. This is venting. This is whatever you want it to be.
How wonderful would it be if I just dropped dead, though? Nobody would have to worry about the messes I cause anymore, and eventually people would just move on, right? Because that's "healthy." Fuck health. I'd rather be sick and happy.
Speaking of which, things have been so great lately. Me and Lycia are spinning in this carnival, everything is colors and lights and boy magicians with their hands. Magic hands. Magic spells. Everything is magic.
We have been doing so much, I can't believe it. We haven't had a lazy day in.... oh my. Doesn't matter. This summer feels like it's all I've ever known, like it spans on forever in both directions, future and past. Like in Bell Jar when Esther can see her life spanning out before her like branches on an enormous tree. I feel that every day.
I want to write something beautiful. I want to create something that changes the world. Everything I make is so trite, so useless. I know you can never really own words, but I feel like everything I say has been said before, a hundred times. I have Depersonalization Disorder, which is a Dissociative Identity Disorder, which means you have no sense of self or owning anything. Basically, you feel like your body doesn't belong to you, it feels foreign and you can't concept why you feel like there's no you at all. At least, those are the symptoms.
I had to go back and steal the Bell Jar from my dad's huge brown bag of things he hid away after I came home from the hospital. It's full of Sudafed and Aspirin and all my knives and razors and books about suicide. I feel like a Lifetime Movie. I feel like a cliche emo kid. Hey, everybody, let's all make LiveJournals and pour out our souls and put depressing lyrics in the headers! Oh god. I can't believe who I am.
Ha, like when I was with Lycia outside of a liquor store and said, "Oh my god, Alycia..... We are the kids outside the liquor store."

<3,
Pixie

What is it, Not Answering Phone Day?

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 20:39:07 GMT

Jeez. Today, no one is answering their phones. And I really need to talk to them! Well... Not terribly bad, but it's getting there. Why is it impossible for some people to just answer a phone? Holy fucking Jehovah.
In other words, yesterday was very fun and today is very fun also. Me and Lycia are dancing to jazz. I predict another binge. We stayed up all last nite writing poems and talking about crazy shit. I'm reading this book, Whores on the Hill, that is tres amazing. It's all about being young and alive and reckless and free.
I just love that feeling. And I'm going to keep riding drug waves and flying through my head. Speed of light. Up all night. Yeah!
Now I believe we are going off to cash in the motherlode of change that has been accumulating in my room. Last time we did, I got 60 bucks. But we shall see! Counting it first ruins the surprise.
Tonite we get to go see Mr. & Mrs. Smith! Whoo and hoo. ADAM BRODY ON A BIG SCREEN. AY PAPI! HIS FACE IS GONNA BE LIKE 40 FEET BIG! Or something. What's that, Reader? Oh yeah, well I don't care if he's only in it for a minute ((rhyme)), it'll be the happiest damn minute of my life!
Not much else to say. Good luck and love you all, you dirty dirty bitches.
Oh, and a side note to Frickles: DON'T EAT THE BALL, IT WILL RUIN THE GAME.
One of the best quotes of all time. And I know, because I have lived FOREVER!
Alright, enough is enough.
Love,
ClaireClaire

Fuck you Aurora

Sun, 19 Jun 2005 21:24:56 GMT

Hey hey hey...
Hani, if you had a water party, I would TOTALLY come! Sounds superexcellent.
As for everything else, yesterday was very fun. I had myself a good time. I love Berkeley and kissing and boys and everything... Gush.
So today is father's day. I am waaaaaaaay too tired for it to be father's day. Speaking of which, I'm going to go lay down. Ta ta for now!

<3,
Pixie

Summer Blue

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 05:25:28 GMT

My my what a mess we've made, of our pretty little heads these days....

Well it's been a long time since I've written and I left you with a vulnerable little piece of heartbreak there, so it's probably best to update! Whoo and hoo. Well these last weeks have been pretty hectic, but very fun and extremely worth it. I love how life is turning out. Of course, there are still a few things keeping tears welling behind my eyes, to the point where I can feel them building up every now and again. I'm sure someone out there knows what I'm talking about. But yes, other than tiny incidences, I am doing very very well! Whoo!
Everything feels so complete, and so profoundly beautiful. Everything is solid and palpable and so true. I just love it. To be honest, I was so scared to leave school. Not the physical act of leaving, not not seeing people, or any of that. I was just so scared of how I would react to that big of a change. I didn't know if I could mentally take it, and I was so convinced that I would be back in the hospital for the majority of the summer. But I'm doing so well, I can barely believe it.
A big part of it must be realizing that I'm going to do just fine without certain people and that I'm no longer in love with anyone. I don't ever have to be miserable over the monster I created in the mirror, over the choices I've made. Of course, I still regret things, but I feel.... I don't know, capable. I've really never felt that way. It's almost unbelievable.
But of course there are still the nagging things that keep trying to erode my newfound stability. And they are very, very naggy. They keep swimming up every time I think I'm going to be okay. In fact, it's giving me a headache right now. But this song is very very beautiful so it's making me feel better. You should all check it out. Alkaline Trio is amazing.
Speaking of amazing, the strangest things have been happening. Yesterday, mainly. I can't believe I didn't caught. I can't believe it. I can't. Oh God.
I'll leave you with a beautiful quote, of course from an Alkaline Trio song, but it is very appropriate for my life:
"This is the way we disappear. It's easy if you burn out like a star."

<3, Pixie

For Clayton- an adaptation of a poem by Pablo Neruda

Thu, 26 May 2005 03:46:45 GMT

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, "The night is shattered,"

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
He loved me, and sometimes I loved him too.

What does it matter that my love could not keep him.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.

It is the same night, whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love him, that's certain, but how I loved him.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch his hearing.

Another's. He will be another's. Like my kisses before.
His voice. His bright body. His infinite eyes.

I no longer love him, that's certain, but maybe I love him.
Love is short, forgetting is so long.

Though this be the last pain he makes me suffer
and these the last verses I write for him.

Hello hello!

Wed, 25 May 2005 05:21:24 GMT

Listening to Cell Block Tango, and other music from Chicago. These songs all have such good memories. It's awesome to look back and think about good times and not have it tinged by that nostalgic remember-y ultra-depressing feeling. This is untainted.
Today went really well. I keep roller-coastering my moods, but for the most part I'm doing really good. Well? Good works. I had an appointment afterschool, but then I took a nap so I'm not tired now. So I will write! Whee good fun.
I finished my video for class, and then we messed with other people's videos, we being me, Ryan and Scotty. Turns out you can add voice-overs onto other people's videos, and pretty much say what you want to "make it better" as Ryan says. George almost peed his pants.Good fun, I do say.
In Drama, I got my costume for the play! It's this strappy black dress with this jewel-ey thinget shaped like a diamond in the middle. It goes all the way down to my feet, which means when I fall and lay there unconscious in the play, no one will see my underwear. But there's a huge slit up the front, all the way to my vagina, so I have to work that out. It's ok, my character is supposed to be dignified, I can fall with as little vagina as possible. Ms. Robison said I have to be "classy, yet risque". Whatever that means. :)
Man, I've been eating so much. I'm not gaining any weight though, which is a relatively good thing, because if I did I think I'd literally kill myself. I'm just that crazy.
Tomorrow I have a field trip! Woo and hoo!
Lobe,
Pixie

For you know who

Tue, 24 May 2005 05:03:31 GMT

I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak,
And this bottle of beast
Is taking me home

I'm cuddling close
To blankets and sheets
But you're not alone, and you're not discreet
Make sure I know who's taking you home.

I'm reading your note over again
And there's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it
"I will love you always and forever"

Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you're making out
But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone
Making out.

I'm missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you're pretending.

I'm cuddling close
To blankets and sheets
and I am alone
In my defeat I wish I knew you were safely at home

I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak,
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.

Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you're making out
but as for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone
Making out.

Your hair, it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities
And taking its wear.
(x4)

Damn, he's pretty.

Mon, 09 May 2005 04:11:55 GMT

Time for a big fat entry... not necessarily an update.

Mon, 09 May 2005 03:22:27 GMT

Hey! I totally missed anyone who actually reads this.. Hah who am I kidding? Nobody reads this. Rite now I'm listening to "Underwater" by Death Cab for Cutie. Tres jolie, n'est-ce pas? Bien sur. Hokay.
Well tomorrow's my AP exam, so that sucks, but I'm not too worried cuz, of course Clayton was part right when he said I disrespect everything. I just don't care about anything enough to fight for it. But at the same time, I care about everything too much. How that's possible, I don't know. But I'm not going to worry about it.
Whee now I'm listening to "Death of an Interior Decorator". Thanks for the reccomendation, Hani. It's a beautiful song. Superexcellent, I must say.
Maintenant, j'ecoute la musique de Bikini Kill. I love crazy lesbian punk chics. That's why me and Lycia and so good together. Haha. So lately I've been working on a lot of art projects, what with painting and all. But the strangest pictures have been coming out of my head. It's not the usual dismal adolescent projections, but more complex, not so sad but more confusing. Who knows? I'm not too intent on figuring out what goes on in my head.
For now, I'll just paint and read and listen to music and not think about sad things. Lately, I've been doing such a good job. I don't think about boys or fear or anything. Things seem to be taking a turn for the better.
Love,
Pixie

Mon, 02 May 2005 05:35:51 GMT

Awesome awesome weekend. I really must update when I can. Maybe tonite. A little middle of the night update never hurts, does it?
Of course not.

TTFN!

Sat, 23 Apr 2005 00:02:10 GMT

Feeling better about some things, worse about others. The good news is I'm off somewhere inside my head where I feel like no one can ever look at me or touch me again. It's nice to feel safe, no matter how eccentric your means. So all my petty problems seem to be sinking a little, no more bitching about boys or school or what have you.
I'm a little worried of course because of my father and how my interactions are going to go with him. As you might know, he scares me quite a bit. But I suppose he is a very nice man at times and I am very very lucky, there is no doubting that.
I am going to take a weekend off to regather everything and, as the Six of Cups said, contemplate things and take some peaceful time for myself. Well, for me and Scarlett. That should be very fun. I just need a little rest.

Love, love, and 1968,
Pixie

What to say...

Fri, 22 Apr 2005 02:43:44 GMT

Tick tack toe, 5 days in a row, and you never know, theres always tomorrow. Sitting here listening to my crazy cool Cd, downing Diet Pepsis like my life depends on it, and feeling generally very ill. Don't worry, lovely readers, I am not sick. At least, not in any physical, mental, or emotional sense of the word. I know that doesn't make sense but I'm listening to Tears For Fears so nothing does. Moihaha. What is Chris's deal? Idn, I went to see him yesterday morning and it was tres etrange. He's supposedly been missing me. Right emotion, wrong timing. I have sworn off boys and romance and everything else. Poor, poor broken me. From now on, just casual sex, as my friends have been saying. Tres tres funny.
So many things have been happening that are these little ironic miracle coincidences of life, like strange spasmodic incidences that mark the "luck" I seem to have. Like when I almost died, how it seemed like every single force of the universe was trying to keep me alive, no matter how hard I fought.
But I don't know, it's kind of comforting to feel that the universe will make sure things happen exactly the way they are meant to and support you no matter how much you fuck things up.
And, in even more inspiration news, I was doing Tarot out on my lawn with Scarlett today and I was doing a reading on "where I go from here" and every time I closed my eyes to gather energy I saw Clayton but it was happy not sad. For the Significator, which is the place that represents the person the reading is being done on, came out as the Six of Cups. Here's the description of that card:
"The Six of Cups depicts a card of nostalgia and happy memories, some of which may bear fruit in the present. It indicates a sentimental time, quite peaceful and calm, in which past events are reflected upon. This card implies and acceptance of the past and the way events happened, but also a sense that certain things have been unwittingly engendered which can be brought to fruition. There is nostalgia, but also a sense that a long-cherished dream could become future reality. One is left with happy memories, but this is not a time for regret. One must accept what has happened, and must either relinquish it or make plans for getting it back. The Six of Cups suggests time is needed for recapitulation and for deciding upon a course of action, whether to pursue the affair or allow it to recede into one's other memories, some happy, some sad. One must take the opportunity to reflect on the past and all that it contains. Something from the past is will turn out to be of great value, so it is worth spending time in meditation."
Pretty creepy, eh? I totally believe in it, too. As for my other cards, for the space in which "something will help me", I got Strength. For "What will come", I got the Page of Cups, which means the fragile beginnings of love.
Aww, smiles. Even if it has nothing to do with him, it doesn't matter. There is something good out there waiting for me. I don't have to be the person I'm afraid we've both turned me into.

The body is both weapon and wound,
Pixie

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 01:44:02 GMT

hot.fresh.fever.gnashing.teeth.urges.hope.frantic.panic.love.love.love.this.feeling.so.fucking.alive.and.theres.nothing.to.tear.you.down.no.boys.no.lies.just.an.electric.fever.and.love,love,love

To someone semi-special

Sun, 17 Apr 2005 20:38:27 GMT

I heard about your trip. I heard about your souvenirs. I heard about the cool breeze and the cool nights and the cool guys that you spent them with. Well I guess I should have heard of that from you. I guess I should have heard of that from you. So don't you see, don't you see, that the charade is over? And all the Best Deceptions and the Clever Cover Story awards go to you. So kiss me hard, cuz this will be the last time that I let you. You will be back someday, and this awkward kiss that tells of other people's lips will be of service to keeping you away.
I heard about your regrets. I heard that you were feeling sorry. (Yeah right.) I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us. Well I guess I should have heard of that from you. I guess I should have heard of that from you. So don't you see, don't you see that the charade is over? And all the Best Deceptions and the Clever Cover Story awards go to you. So kiss me hard, cuz this will be the last time that I let you. You will be back someday and this awkward kiss that screams of other people's lips will be of service to keeping you away, to keeping you away.
I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers. I'll be alright when my hands get warm. Ignoring the phone, I'd rather say nothing, I'd rather you never heard my voice. You're calling too late, too late to be gracious. You do not warrant long goodbyes. You're calling too late, you're calling too late, you're calling too late....

Unzipped, she doesn't exist

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 06:22:44 GMT

turn it, beatin no beat the walls are always speakin, no want no want no want no speakin at all...
I don't have much to say but I have a story to tell. Thisi s something very strange, so feel free to skip it.
Today I went to my IOP ((intense outpatient)) social worker. For those of you not familiar with the California psychiatric system, an IOP is a kind of behavioral therapist you go to when you get out of the hospital, it's like one step lower than being committed. Yay for me. But I don't mind, she's nice.
So I went to talk to my IOP and told her about this dream I had that's kept me from sleeping. See I was about to go to sleep and I had this dream, which was scary because it was very real, where I grabbed Clayton by the arms and started eating his arms, his skin and muscles and veins and yeah it was very very very strange. So I got up from the bed, walked into the bathroom, and threw up. I already knew that subconsciously, the arms represent defense, from danger or what have you, and control. I knew that part of the dream was me wanting to take away his control of the situation and defense against me. What the IOP told me was that it also represents me wanting to put him inside me, be able to keep him literally within me, and have us be one person. She said that way there could be one person, and I would never have to worry or let go. And when I woke up I tried to get him out of me because I didn't want to love him or have him in me. This made a lot of sense but scared me quite a bit, and I suppose she saw it on my face because she made a joke about how if we were one person our name would be Claiyrton and I laughed for about a minute.
All in all, I think I'm getting better, but "Long is the way and hard, that out of Hell leads up to light." Oh, and also, this is one I'm stealing from Rebecca, who said this very insightfully:
"It is darkest before dawn."

Still humping the American dream,
now in the dark before dawn,
Pixie

I'm back from the dead, bitches!

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 05:17:54 GMT

Thank you anonymous commenter. You must be mistaken, however, because I am not beautiful. You must think this is someone else's life because it is not mine. Thank you though, you seem to be a more beautiful and eloquent person than I could ever be. And I don't say that in a berrating, self-pitying way, because in all honesty I don't care about those things anymore, about the way I look, about crying for attention because I think I'm ugly. It's not to that point, thank God,.
So I'm back from my little vacation, which consisted of a number of very strange moments: me and Kyle splitting a banana split at 2am in Dennys, me and Kyle singing to Oasis songs driving through the countryside, me sitting in a hotel bathroom at 4 in the morning with bruises on my arms, Kyle teaching me to "One-two step", me listening to "The No Seatbelt Song" for 8 hours straight... lots of strange things.
I wrote this weird reverie thinget that was like 14 pages long about how these black pants I have have like, traveled through time with me and been through all this shit with me and it was really funny but really sad too. I was wearing those pants when Chris took them off in the backseat of his car, I ripped them the night of Kristin's party jumping off a fence at an elementary school with Clayton and Vanessa. I was wearing those pants the day I fell out of Robbie's car onto the pavement and made a complete ass of myself, because as you may know, NO ONE LOOKS GOOD CLIMBING OUT THE BACKSEAT OF A CAR. So yeah, hah, weird memories.
Well I have to get up hella early to go to driver's ed, so I intend not to sleep at all. Bo is home finally! and we have plenty of time for cuddling... and listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, all nite long baby!
Yeah, sorry, you could have skipped this entire entry, I'm stupid.

Still humping the American dream,
Pixie-Lobe

What the fuck is going on? Hah.

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 21:11:26 GMT

Bella is sitting on my chest giving me rat kisses. Lycia's taking Bart over here and I'm either gonna go pick her up, meet her somewhere, or wait for her here. We're supposed to go pick up some shit from Andrew but he hasn't been returning our calls. I hope it all goes well, because it's really been making me sad. Hopefully it works out, and we get it and everything is wonderful from there on out. This is just too stressful. I would just say fuck it and give up on it, but we've given him 50 bucks so he needs to fucking get it.
Ahh, whatever. I'm not a bad girl, I promise.

Still humping the American dream,
Pixie